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Writer's pictureMaxwell Anders

Staying True Myself with a Sex and Relationship Ideal



I am eternally evolving. I am not the same man today that I was yesterday to the man I will be tomorrow. This is true in a manner of speaking biologically as my cells divide, live and die each day, and this is true how each day my central processing unit (brain) processes the days events through REM sleep dreaming and I arise anew. How does this apply to sex and relationships?


In my 12th step recovery from meth addiction, I learned that in time I was to develop a "safe and sound" sex ideal. This is a living document where I identify the3 behaviors I am willing to engag in, behaviors that are non-negotiable that I am not willing to engage in and lastly behaviors that I am willing to negotiate.. The document is living because it is allowed to change with me. Who and what I want and enjoy change from one year to the next and thus I will need to be willing to be honest with myself and adjust to this ideal as long as I am doing it with integrity. Not only does this ideal asks me how I will show up to my partners sexually and relationship wise but how do I expect them to show up to me. After all, I teach others how to treat me with my boundaries and example setting.


Many have created such a safe and sound sex ideal. I am hardly the first. Some say they will only date men who are at least 6 feet tall, make at least 6 figures and have a member at least 6 inches long. I once heard an speaker at a conference say that he will not demand or ask something of a partner he could not deliver himself. I love that. I ask for a man who is kind to others, lives with integrity and strives to grow as a man each day. Yes, I want a man who is handsome and attrative but that is subjective. I swoon the man who is a red head lumberjack who looks Brawny or the nerdy geek with spectacles at the local bookstore.

I have learned to use this ideal not only in sexual and romantic relationships but in relationships that involve family, friends and coworkers. How do I show up to them and how do I expect them to show up to me? How do I teach others to treat me and do I show up for them in the same way?


Lastly, I am asked to reflect and look back at myself. How do I show up to myself and do I hold myself to the standard I hold others to? Do I show up to myself with love, compassion and integrity? I must be present for myself, hold space for myself and show myself the grace and love I show others. To this end, I am growing into my own skin and loving the man that I am loving,,..me.


Incidently, you can find me at the Dallas flagship Half Priced Bookstore blogging and looking thirsty for my husband. Ha!

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