Yesterday, I was on one of the social media apps. You know. It was the one that recently changed its name to a single letter of the alphabet. In my inbox was a message from a hottie that I had hit on and forgot about apparently. He was hot as efffffff and wanted hook up for some hot fun. I was even more excited that he stated that he does not do drugs and asked if I was drug free as well,. Hell yes, I responded,
Like the dork that I am I was excited and pleased with myself. I closed the app, I sat there and I p0ndered, as to why did I have this knee jerk reaction to automatically hook up and engage sexually? Did I ask him his name? Did i ask him what his favorite color is or what kind of music his loves to listen to when he is driving around the city?
I c0nsidered that maybe he is just a conquest I equate to myself worth. The math that many of us are familiar to: "hot guy + me = I AM HOT."
Let me be the very first one to say that is absolutely nothing wrong with hooking up and engaging in sexual encounters. However, I had made a commitment to myself to do something different this time around. It was the knee jerk reaction that had me questioning myself. Am I trying to change the way I feel by diving head first into sex with a beautiful stranger? Am I attempting to connect on a deeper and meaningful level with a human being? I am hard wired for connection. I have pr0ven to myself time and time again how empty, lonely and in the end sad I feel when I engage in connectionless sex.
Momentarily, I will respond to the hottie and let him know it's a not for me. He will more then likely respond with "eh, whatever." and that is okay. What matters is that I check myself and check my motives. There two of us engaging in the dance of should we or should we not hook up and I need to look out for myself as much as I need to look out for my play partners.
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